Monday, January 14, 2008

A Ghost From the Past

Last night I saw the movie The Number 23, it is a suspense film starring Jim Carrey, Virginia Madsen, and Danny Huston, directed by Joel Schumacher. The plot involves an obsession with the 23 Enigma, an esoteric belief that all incidents and events are directly connected to the number 23, some permutation of the number 23, or a number related to the number 23. I don’t recocommend people to watch it because I don’t want people to be led by the movie and start to be paranoid by this number and also because of the obscene scenes in the movie, though I recommened it for people who watch movies, read books and watch people walking on the street around them to enable them stop and ponder, to think about their own lives and contemplate on life in gereneral. I watched the movie and I felt like past ghosts started to come from the dead again, I saw my self as if I was standing on a rooftop watching this ugly ungrateful person I am, I saw the black dots covering my heart, I saw myself so clearly that it hurt my eyes. The main characters are nothing like me and I didn’t pretend to be living the movie even for a second but it made me revist a forgotten person, a person I thought was long gone, someone I thought had vanished from existence and from my memory. But she was a live and she visited me yesterday with all her agony, evil, pride, and ungratefulness when the movie just ended and this verse hit my eye, its a verse from the bible, I know I'm a Muslim but the meaning of this verse is in many verses in the Qur'an and many stories narrated by Muslims and many Arabic proverbs, but I saw the verse yesterday and I felt like I know this meaning for the first time in my life, I felt it to the extent that I was shivering and I was so scared to see that ghost again to meet the Ellie I wanted to kill and hide long time ago. It hit my eyes and I couldn’t even blink and it kept ringing on my head all day and night, "be sure your sin will find you out." I went to my bed and tried to sleep but she came, gقabbed me from the nick and pushed me agaisnt the wall, she kept screaming, shouting and threatening me that she will revenge because I tried to send her away, that I tried to kill her. She laughed hystirically and told me "Do you think you got rid of me? Naaaa you werent even close to that, I fooled you, I let you belive that you are a good person but now I came back again and I'm so powerfull you wont stop me" I was so scared and I cried, I started to belive her and to feel my kness go weak, I was searching for air to breath but her grip on my throat was so strong, I struglled for my life but she kept squeezing harder and harder and I kept thinking, is she right? Did she win? But I thouhgt I'm better now, I thought that she is now dead and forgotten, I thought that she wont come back to take control over me. No there should be a way out, the sweet tears I shed for Him were not lies, the happiness that filled my heart when I used to put my head on the ground and talk to Him were not just movments, the feeling that He let me enter His house and He accepted me are not of my imagination, there must be away out. Yes I've sinned, but I don’t want my sins to hunt me forever and to keep on looking for me wherever I go, I know I'm a good person and I know that He will never torture me for sins I've repented from. Right at this moment, I saw a burning light and I started to feel the air entering my lungs again when a verse from the Qur'an hit my eyes,
(كتب ربكم على نفسه الرحمة إنه مَن عمل منكم سوءاً بجهالة ثم تاب من بعده وأصلح فإنه غفور رحيم) الأنعام 54
(Your Lord has written Mercy for Himself, so that, if any of you does evil in ignorance, and thereafter repents and does righteous good deeds (by obeying Allâh), then surely, He is Oft­-Forgiving, Most Merciful.) (Al-An'am: 54) yeah I repented, I tried to be a good person, I tried to do righteous things, I became a better person, I was screaming to my self and I felt my opponent's grip started to weaken, I saw her tremble when I yelled at her face with every drop of confidence in my body, "Allah accepted me, Allah accepted me you hear me? You are not going to play your dirty games on me again, for me you are dead, you only get stronger when I forget about you and unconsciously feed you with my negligence and with feelings that I'm good that way and I don’t need to improve. I wont let you win and you know what? even the new sins I committed they are going to be buried with you right here right now, you came here to ruin my life and now I'll make you perish forever with my old and new forgotten sins " I released my nick from her grip completely now and she started to retreat back, she started to turn pale and cover her ears so she wouldn’t hear my thunderous voice screaming and telling her "you are all going to die right here right now, you wont hunt me again coz my sins will be erased now and even for your envy they would turn into rewards inshaaAllah, now you are begging me to stop, believe me I wont and I wouldn’t even touch you, all I have to do now is to say simple words and mean them with all my heart" "Noooooooooo" she screamed begging me to stop and running to every corner of the room looking for a place to hide and started shaking when I started uttering these words, "O Allah, I repent now from every single sin I did in the past, small or big, done intentionally or unintentionally, sins people knew about and others were only I and You know about and sins I don’t know that I've committed but You do know, O Allah, I repent now from all of these and ask for your forgiveness and your guidance to help me be a better person and come back to You whenever I sin and repent again" The girl that came to visit me was sent to where she deserves to be and I stood on the room alone my heart beating with joy and my eyes glowing with tears and my lips crazily uttering "Alhamdulillah" as my legs walk to washroom so I can make wudu' and start a long-awaited-for conversation on my rug with Him.
- Silly InshaaAllah-accepted Ellie

3 comments:

  1. rachael9:26 am

    Powerful! It reminds me of Wuthering Heights in its tension and gothic horror.

    Never despair of the mercy of Allah

    salaam

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  2. Anonymous2:21 pm

    Wow! you revealed an ability to write stories in these two last posts Ellie, maybe you should consider writing, seriously.

    The suspense, the turning points one after the other and the idea too, that's super!

    Go on girl! but never go back to the old you ;)

    Yosra

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  3. Anonymous8:35 pm

    ACCEPTED INSHAA ALLAH!!!.
    Thanksssss for reminding us Ellie VERY powerful post.. REALLY

    Aya IOL

    ReplyDelete