Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Reflection

Today I answered a test titled " which Disney song describes my life right now", guess what was the song? Reflection from Mulan.
I like the movie so much, the first part and the second, but really whenever I heard this song I would feel like it was made for me, it really describes how I feel now. Read what they said in the test and then read the lyrics of the song.
Your life now can be described by Reflection, from Mulan
You are not quite sure of your place in the world at this point and are not sure whom you actually are. You wonder why your reflection is someone you don't know. Confused by the demands of different people or forces in your life, you feel like you are being pulled in every direction.
Oftentimes by following one direction, you feel like you are not being true to yourself. Don't worry though; your uncertainty is as natural as life itself. There is always time to explore.
For now, feel free to travel and see the world, challenge yourself, and test your limits. Slowly you will begin to figure out what ignites your passion, and if you pursue that, you will find yourself!
Reflection
Look at me
You may think you see who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every dayIt's as if I play a part
Now I seeIf I wear a maskI can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
I am nowIn a world where I have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehowI will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that I'm, Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
There's a heart that must be free to fly
That burns with a need to know the reason why
Why must we all conceal
What we think
How we feel
Must there be a secret meI'm forced to hide?
I won't pretend that I'm
Someone else For all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
- Silly Ellie

Monday, January 14, 2008

A Ghost From the Past

Last night I saw the movie The Number 23, it is a suspense film starring Jim Carrey, Virginia Madsen, and Danny Huston, directed by Joel Schumacher. The plot involves an obsession with the 23 Enigma, an esoteric belief that all incidents and events are directly connected to the number 23, some permutation of the number 23, or a number related to the number 23. I don’t recocommend people to watch it because I don’t want people to be led by the movie and start to be paranoid by this number and also because of the obscene scenes in the movie, though I recommened it for people who watch movies, read books and watch people walking on the street around them to enable them stop and ponder, to think about their own lives and contemplate on life in gereneral. I watched the movie and I felt like past ghosts started to come from the dead again, I saw my self as if I was standing on a rooftop watching this ugly ungrateful person I am, I saw the black dots covering my heart, I saw myself so clearly that it hurt my eyes. The main characters are nothing like me and I didn’t pretend to be living the movie even for a second but it made me revist a forgotten person, a person I thought was long gone, someone I thought had vanished from existence and from my memory. But she was a live and she visited me yesterday with all her agony, evil, pride, and ungratefulness when the movie just ended and this verse hit my eye, its a verse from the bible, I know I'm a Muslim but the meaning of this verse is in many verses in the Qur'an and many stories narrated by Muslims and many Arabic proverbs, but I saw the verse yesterday and I felt like I know this meaning for the first time in my life, I felt it to the extent that I was shivering and I was so scared to see that ghost again to meet the Ellie I wanted to kill and hide long time ago. It hit my eyes and I couldn’t even blink and it kept ringing on my head all day and night, "be sure your sin will find you out." I went to my bed and tried to sleep but she came, gقabbed me from the nick and pushed me agaisnt the wall, she kept screaming, shouting and threatening me that she will revenge because I tried to send her away, that I tried to kill her. She laughed hystirically and told me "Do you think you got rid of me? Naaaa you werent even close to that, I fooled you, I let you belive that you are a good person but now I came back again and I'm so powerfull you wont stop me" I was so scared and I cried, I started to belive her and to feel my kness go weak, I was searching for air to breath but her grip on my throat was so strong, I struglled for my life but she kept squeezing harder and harder and I kept thinking, is she right? Did she win? But I thouhgt I'm better now, I thought that she is now dead and forgotten, I thought that she wont come back to take control over me. No there should be a way out, the sweet tears I shed for Him were not lies, the happiness that filled my heart when I used to put my head on the ground and talk to Him were not just movments, the feeling that He let me enter His house and He accepted me are not of my imagination, there must be away out. Yes I've sinned, but I don’t want my sins to hunt me forever and to keep on looking for me wherever I go, I know I'm a good person and I know that He will never torture me for sins I've repented from. Right at this moment, I saw a burning light and I started to feel the air entering my lungs again when a verse from the Qur'an hit my eyes,
(كتب ربكم على نفسه الرحمة إنه مَن عمل منكم سوءاً بجهالة ثم تاب من بعده وأصلح فإنه غفور رحيم) الأنعام 54
(Your Lord has written Mercy for Himself, so that, if any of you does evil in ignorance, and thereafter repents and does righteous good deeds (by obeying Allâh), then surely, He is Oft­-Forgiving, Most Merciful.) (Al-An'am: 54) yeah I repented, I tried to be a good person, I tried to do righteous things, I became a better person, I was screaming to my self and I felt my opponent's grip started to weaken, I saw her tremble when I yelled at her face with every drop of confidence in my body, "Allah accepted me, Allah accepted me you hear me? You are not going to play your dirty games on me again, for me you are dead, you only get stronger when I forget about you and unconsciously feed you with my negligence and with feelings that I'm good that way and I don’t need to improve. I wont let you win and you know what? even the new sins I committed they are going to be buried with you right here right now, you came here to ruin my life and now I'll make you perish forever with my old and new forgotten sins " I released my nick from her grip completely now and she started to retreat back, she started to turn pale and cover her ears so she wouldn’t hear my thunderous voice screaming and telling her "you are all going to die right here right now, you wont hunt me again coz my sins will be erased now and even for your envy they would turn into rewards inshaaAllah, now you are begging me to stop, believe me I wont and I wouldn’t even touch you, all I have to do now is to say simple words and mean them with all my heart" "Noooooooooo" she screamed begging me to stop and running to every corner of the room looking for a place to hide and started shaking when I started uttering these words, "O Allah, I repent now from every single sin I did in the past, small or big, done intentionally or unintentionally, sins people knew about and others were only I and You know about and sins I don’t know that I've committed but You do know, O Allah, I repent now from all of these and ask for your forgiveness and your guidance to help me be a better person and come back to You whenever I sin and repent again" The girl that came to visit me was sent to where she deserves to be and I stood on the room alone my heart beating with joy and my eyes glowing with tears and my lips crazily uttering "Alhamdulillah" as my legs walk to washroom so I can make wudu' and start a long-awaited-for conversation on my rug with Him.
- Silly InshaaAllah-accepted Ellie

Saturday, January 05, 2008

Thoughts of Meouw…ehm Mine ;)

Today was the third attempt from Ellie to force me into socializing with animals of my kind. Sorry I forgot to introduce my self, hey, my name is Polly and I'm 5 months old, I know that this blog belongs to Ellie but everyday I watch her set down on a chair in front of this box and starts typing some stuff and talking to you guys so I thought I really want to talk to you as well, she is in the other room right now so keep your voices down so she wouldn’t hear us shshshshhhh. Ellie is a nice girl but sometimes she does very silly and weird stuff, for example she would always sing me a stupid song and make me dance on the tone "Polly put the cattle on… Polly put the cattle on… we'll all have tea"… I just hate this song, cant she see that I don’t care if she is having tea or not, all I care about is meat:D Also when she holds me and starts to wave my hands towards this box she calls a screen to a guy and tell me "say hi to daddy" I guess his name is Daddy or maybe that's a name human beings call for people who torture little creatures like me by hanging them on the top of the balcony's door, he used to do that when he used to visit Ellie, but to tell you the truth the first time he did that I was very scared but afterwards I kinda liked it, I would do something wrong on purpose so that he would carry me up high and put me up there. I get really mad at her when she forces me to go out of home, first time she toke me down to the garden and I had the shock of my life there, I saw big green monsters she calls trees and I heard deafening sounds by monstrous metal creatures called cars, I was so scared that my knees were shaking. The second time she left me there by myself for two hours, under this big green thing called tree, it was soo cold and I was so scared and right before the night comes she showed up calling out my name, I didn’t go to her or reply I wanted to torture her by the thought that she lost me forever, but then again I felt that I miss her so much and when she carried me I felt safe and I was so happy to go home again. I know she is upset and she feels guilty because she thinks that because I stay so much with human beings I don't know that I'm a different creature and that I'm an animal, she thinks that its her fault because she didn’t let me go out when I was younger. If only I could talk I would tell her not to worry, I know exactly who I am and its soo obvious, four legs, white fur, and I'm human pet… of course I'm a Rabbit. Shhshhsh… I guess she is coming now, don’t tell her that I talked to you and don’t leave a comment so that she wouldn’t know. ok? - Silly Polly ;)