Tuesday, December 09, 2008

My first `Eid in London

My previouse Eid experiences, that were all in Egypt, wither in Fayoum, Maadi or Zayed, were full of joy and happiness. I Would feel the Eid spirit days before the actual day of Eid, we go out buy new cloths, see decorations in the streets, arrange with family to meet. On Eid day we would wake up early go to the masjid and decorate it, prepare gifts for the kids when they come to the masjid, then attend the prayer. My best part is when i get my `Eidiyyah (new money as a gift in Eid) from my masjid teacher and then sing some nashids in the masjid, see all the sisters and then go home to eat the lovely fatta with all the family that come to our place. This years Eid, I felt so depressed days before, because there is no Eid spirit, all decorations in the streets are Christmas stuff, most Muslims here doesn’t even know when is Eid some doesn’t even know that there is Eid. On day of Arafa I felt the spirit by fasting and knowing that Alhamdulilah and inshaaAllah Allah forgave my last year’s sins and the coming one, I went with my husband as well to buy gifts for the family and my husband bought me new phone, instead of the one I put in the washing machine :(. On Eid day I went to pray in the mosque, that was undecorated and no sign that it is Eid apart from Eid prayers that was made four prayers because mosques are small and can’t take all the numbers of Muslims, so the prayers were done four times. After the prayer I waited to see some of the sisters I know, and I found only two, we had a chat for a little while and then I left to go home, I searched the internet for an event for Muslims and I found this promotion about 1 Eid event. Just reading the promotion mad me wanna fly there and enjoy all the lovely things and feel the spirit of Eid like what they say in the promotion. Though the place was far and we drove for about an hour to get there, I was shocked by the state of things, and how Muslims are unorganized and uneducated about manners, personal hygiene and tidiness. I wouldn’t speak more I will just show you the pictures. there was an offensive smell in the ladies' room and kids nappies was allover the place, c'mon Muslims i think we know how to use the bins.
Student's leaflets and college stuff along with food left on the tables.
food left on chairs on the tables.
the stage that was most of the time closed with no performers or lectures and the women made a lot of noise that you wouldnt even hear the performer if there was a performance.
food left on the table agian:8
i think as Muslims we still don't know how to celebrate properly, though we need to be examples to non-Muslims but i think we should learn keeping our celebration gatherings clean, tidy and organized.
Silly Ellie

Thursday, December 04, 2008

I’ll Be There for you…Daaah

So no one told you life was going to be this way.
Your job's a joke, you're broke, you’re love life's DOA.
It's like you're always stuck in second gear,
Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.
But, I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.
I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.
I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too.

All of us at one point or the other tapped our feet to the tone, hummed some of its words or even sang along this song whenever we watch Friends, but have you ever asked yourself what does it mean to be a friend?, what you should do? What to expect from them? When to fight for them and when to let go? I started to ask myself those questions when an incident happened to me and I realized that I lost a friend of mine or let’s say that I didn’t even have this friend it was just pretence or a make believe. Lately I realized that friendship consists of two words, Friend and ship which means, in my opinion, that this relationship is like a ship if the two people on this ship didn’t make the effort, soon it will sink, one of them might try hard to keep it steady, face the storm and not be afraid of thunder but soon he/she will get weak and would leave the whole ship to sink. Upon realizing this, now I know that I was facing a lot of thunderous storms, dangerous ocean and tried to sail a ship I shouldn’t be on in the first place, I also realized that I left my ship, the ship I should have been in, the ship where my true friend was fighting to sail on her own. For those whom I forsaken our ship now I come back and I regret not helping you in sailing our ship, and not fighting enough for our friendship. For those who wasted my energy, time and feelings I regret knowing you and I regret the effort I put into something futile and something fake. But before standing back where I should be, I should say my friendship vows to those who mean a lot to me, to those who really were there for me: - If friendship means believing in them, accepting them as they are, I say now, I will believe in you no matter how crazy you might be and I will not try to change you, I’ll accept you the way you are.

- If friendship means not giving up on them, I say now, I’ll never give up on you, because I’m so fortunate to have you in my life.

- If friendship means not being afraid to say I am sorry, then now I say, I’m sorry for not helping you, supporting you, or showing how much I appreciate you.

- If friendship means trusting, then now I say, I trust you and I will not try to hide behind my foolish masks thinking I can make it without you, because the fact is, I cant, I cant make it without you, you mean so much to me, so please, forgive me and let’s sing a long.

I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.

I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.

I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too. - Soooooo Silly Ellie

Saturday, November 08, 2008

One Day i Will Come Back

Though the language of this blog is English but this poem written by my favorite poet ever 'Nageeb Sorour' just screams out all the feelings I have now, I don’t want to translate it because the meaning will be lost with the insufficient English words and expressions
قبلا- أتذكر؟!- قلت: "لن أشتاق يوما أن أعود!"
ها أنت يأكلك الحنين،
تلوعك الأشواق،
ليتك كنت تدري مالعذاب،
ما البعد،
ما المنفى
اذن لاخذت في يوم الرحيل- زادا لغربتك المريرة
حفنتين من التراب!
يا مصر... يا وطني الحبيب!
يا عش عصفور رمته الريح في عش غريب
يا مرفأي...آت..
أنا آت ولو في جسمي الهزيل آلاف الجراح.
وكما ذهبت مع الرياح... يوما أعود مع الرياح!
مع الرياح؟؟؟!
ومتى تهب الريح؟
ولو هبت... فهل تأتي بما يهوى الشراع؟
ها أنت تصبح في الضياع..
في اليأس...
شاة عاجزة،
ماذا لها ان سلت السكين...
غير المعجزة؟!
Silly Ellie

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Don't Talk to me about Muhammad.

There is a hadith about the following incident when an old lady was helped with her load by a young man...read what happened between the old lady and the young man, this story brings tears to my eyes. It would be such a pleasure to have you come along with me I accept your gracious offer Kindness and company But as we walk along young man And as you help me with my load I've only one request as we travel down this road Don't talk to me about Muhammad Because of him there is no peace And I have trouble in my mind So don't talk to me about Muhammad And as we walk along together We will get along just fine As we walk along together We will get along That man upsets me so So much more than you could know I hear of his name and reputation everywhere I go Though his family and his clan once knew him as an honest man He's dividing everyone With his claim that God is One So don't talk to me about Muhammad Because of him there is no peace And I have trouble in my mind So don't talk to me about Muhammad And as we walk along together We will get along just fineAs we walk along together We will get along He's misled all the weak ones And the poor ones and the slaves They think they've all found wealth and freedom Following his ways He's corrupted all the youth With his twisted brand of truth Convinced them that they all are strong Giving them somewhere to belong So don't talk to me about Muhammad Because of him there is no peace And I have trouble in my mind So don't talk to me about Muhammad And as we walk along together We will get along just fine As we walk along together We will get along Thank you now young man You've really have been so kind Your genorosity and smile are very rare to find Let me give you some advice Since you've been so very nice From Muhammad stay away Don't heed his words or emulate his way And don't talk about Muhammad You will never have true peace And trouble is all you will find So don't talk about Muhammad And as you travel down life's road You will get along just fine Now before we part and go If its alright just the same May I ask my dear young man Who are you, what's your name Forgive me what was that? Your words weren't very clear My ears are getting old Sometimes its difficult to hear It's truly rather funny though I'm sure I must be wrong But I thought I heard you say Your name is Muhammad Muhammad Ashaadu anlah ilaha illallaWa ashadu ana muhammadur rasululla O talk to me, Muhammad Upon you I pray for peace For you have eased my troubled mind O talk to me, Muhammad And as we walk along together We will get along just fine As I travel down life's road I will get along Just fine Dawud Wharnsby Ali - Silly Ellie

Thursday, October 23, 2008

To my Beloved...Book

As the pages of a book are turned, I feel my whole world is broadening and changing. Sorrows are forgotten and happiness prevails I feel so beautiful so wise and strong and sometimes I feel mean and despicable if I wanted to.
Throughout the years of my childhood, I had been exposed to quality books of all kinds: picture, story, rhythm and rhyming, adventure and mystery, fantasy, interpersonal relationships, travel, literature, riddles and puzzles, arts and science. It was my eldest sister’s effort that made reading a treasured part of my life.
“It just takes me to a world of my imagination” that was my answer when I was asked why I love reading books that much, but there are some books that you don’t get the feeling right it makes a fake world as if you stepped into wax museum, no soul, no sound no taste.
I’ve been blessed with bunch of good books on my shelf that I feel turning the first page is as if I pay a plane ticket to a world that exists only in my imagination, a world where thunder burns against my ears but doesn’t frighten me, a sip of Apple juice or bite of coconut biscuit that feels me up with a sweet taste, in this world I can do anything no boundaries, no limits, I can be what I want to be.. when I want it.. and how I want it.
Some books for me are like boats that sails through the oceans to carry me to new adventures, so I meet pirates, talking animals or monstrous trees, some others are like my mum with her soothing words or like a friend with sharp but truthful critical advice or like a person to whom I belong. Holding my book so close make me feel so strong that me and only me is able to give this world a halt or to relive in it again with different voices, different tastes and different emotions.
Just delving deep inside each book sparks my creativity and imagination; introduces me to new people, places, and ideas; builds up my confidence and strengthens my feeling of life worth; and clarifies difficult situations and troublesome feelings. In short, books help me reach out to the world beyond the here and now and perceive an ever-expanding array of possibilities.
Silly Ellie

Sunday, July 06, 2008

The Red Bus and I

Its been two months now since I came to the UK, I started to feel more confident though I had my fair share of cultural shock on how people feel and behave, I also had my share of people calling me names or thinking that I’m a sort of threat to their lives or their well being by just looking at the way I dress. One day I was going to the local mosque, as I teach teanagers Arabic and Qur’an, as I was setting on the bus a young man got on the bus checked his oyster card but he didn’t have enough credit and then looked for money in his pocket but their was 30 p shortage then everyone was looking at him with a look that means “ c’mon get off the bus” though it seemed that he was in a rush and he was disappointed he got off the bus. At this point I had a flash back and pictured myelf in a bus in Egypt where everyone in the bus would offer to give the young man the 30 ps and welcome him to the sweatty crammed bus. I was also walking with my siter in law after Jummuah prayers in the street and we passed by a café and some drunk men kept calling at us and shouting “ Oy, Muslim girls, get a life” and then an Englih lady rushed in from behind and held her hand to us and shoke my hand and said, “What happened there was not nice, we are not all like that”, I really appreciated her gesture and it affected me deeply. These two incidents left me with contardicted feelings, I felt on the fissrt exeprience that people here lack the sense of communication and they suffer from great deal of selfishness, which in my humble opinion will make all this civilization futile, what’s the point of clean nice buses with people live only for themselve, I feel like some one can get a way with murder just becaue everyon is so busy thinking only about themelves. The other experience toke me from the generlization trap and made me feel that after all, london is like any other part of the world where you can find good people and bad ones as well. - Silly Ellie

Thursday, June 05, 2008

There's Nothing Like Home

In the past few weeks after I came to London I couldn’t help but really feel home sick and I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I miss Egypt. Though there are many things I didn’t and still don’t like about Egypt but for me it’s the place to be, I mean there is so much to be missed that couldn’t be replaced by any luxury or any sightseeing or greenery in the world. Some of the things I really miss about Egypt apart from the family, friends, work colleagues and food : 1. The Egyptian dialect:
The other day I was in the bus and I heard a man speaking in the Egyptian dialect, I was setting on a chair and my husband was standing in front of me, I couldn’t see the guy but just heard his voice, he was speaking about a fight and that he khalas not angry anymore and he was making it up with someone, I felt oh how sweet and I kept listening to everything he was saying until he toke off the buss.
I kept following him with my eyes, he was a grey haired man in his late forties walking with a stick, just looking at him made me feel home again, right then I wanted to jump off the bus and just walk beside him ask him how he feels here being away from Egypt and tell him about how much I miss it. 2. Maadi and Zayed:
When I was in Egypt I would always praise Maadi and say that no matter how beautiful Zayed is but Maadi is the best, now I feel bother were like heaven on earth. I grew up in Maadi that’s why I feel like every corner, every street shares memories with me, oh 9 street, Qouaider, bookspot, Beno’s and masjid Alrahman near the metro.
Zayed is a different story, I came to realize more about my self when I was in Zayed and I really loved the peaceful walks to and from masjid el-mohandeseen and the shopping trips to Hyper one, I can even now hear the “Radio Hyper one, Radio Hyper one” from the Hyper one promotional radio in the back of my mind. 3. The Athan and Qur’an before Jummu’ah: One Friday as I was preparing with my husband to go to pray in the masjid, which I take a train and a bus to be there, I just felt there is something missing, I don’t feel its Friday, Fridays in Egypt had different taste and feeling, I toke one of Al-Minshawy’s Qur’an CDs and played it I closed my eyes and I felt it all came back to me, I even downloaded a prayer time program so I can hear the Athan five times a day. 4. Saqia, Zedney and Opera house:
Since I was a kid my sister used to take me to arty places, and I came to appreciate everything that is artistic, everything that shows the beauty and uniqueness of our culture, a day or evening out in one of these places would equal a life experience to me, most of the times I attend an event or an exhibition I would feel uplifted and optimistic, I come out with the feeling that I want to devour beauty and peace around me. Felucca, downtown, Al-Fayoum...and most of all I miss me, the carefree, revolutionist and arty me in Egypt. Living in Egypt or not, want to go back or not, tell me what you really miss about Egypt the most or what you think you will miss if you left it one day?
- Silly Ellie

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Reason and Passion

Your soul is oftentimes a battlefield, upon which your reason and your judgment wage war against passion and your appetite.
Would that I could be the peacemaker in your soul, that I might turn the discord and the rivalry of your elements into oneness and melody.
But how shall I, unless you yourselves be also the peacemakers, nay, the lovers of all your elements? Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul.
If either your sails or our rudder be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas.
For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction.
Therefore let your soul exalt your reason to the height of passion; that it may sing; And let it direct your passion with reason, that your passion may live through its own daily resurrection, and like the phoenix rise above its own ashes.
I would have you consider your judgment and your appetite even as you would two loved guests in your house.
Surely you would not honor one guest above the other; for he who is more mindful of one loses the love and the faith of both.
Among the hills, when you sit in the cool shade of the white poplars, sharing the peace and serenity of distant fields and meadows - then let your heart say in silence, "God rests in reason."
And when the storm comes, and the mighty wind shakes the forest, and thunder and lightning proclaim the majesty of the sky, - then let your heart say in awe, "God moves in passion."
And since you are a breath In God's sphere, and a leaf in God's forest, you too should rest in reason and move in passion.
Reason and Passion from the Prophet by Gibran Khaleel Gibran

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Reflection

Today I answered a test titled " which Disney song describes my life right now", guess what was the song? Reflection from Mulan.
I like the movie so much, the first part and the second, but really whenever I heard this song I would feel like it was made for me, it really describes how I feel now. Read what they said in the test and then read the lyrics of the song.
Your life now can be described by Reflection, from Mulan
You are not quite sure of your place in the world at this point and are not sure whom you actually are. You wonder why your reflection is someone you don't know. Confused by the demands of different people or forces in your life, you feel like you are being pulled in every direction.
Oftentimes by following one direction, you feel like you are not being true to yourself. Don't worry though; your uncertainty is as natural as life itself. There is always time to explore.
For now, feel free to travel and see the world, challenge yourself, and test your limits. Slowly you will begin to figure out what ignites your passion, and if you pursue that, you will find yourself!
Reflection
Look at me
You may think you see who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every dayIt's as if I play a part
Now I seeIf I wear a maskI can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
I am nowIn a world where I have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehowI will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that I'm, Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
There's a heart that must be free to fly
That burns with a need to know the reason why
Why must we all conceal
What we think
How we feel
Must there be a secret meI'm forced to hide?
I won't pretend that I'm
Someone else For all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
- Silly Ellie

Monday, January 14, 2008

A Ghost From the Past

Last night I saw the movie The Number 23, it is a suspense film starring Jim Carrey, Virginia Madsen, and Danny Huston, directed by Joel Schumacher. The plot involves an obsession with the 23 Enigma, an esoteric belief that all incidents and events are directly connected to the number 23, some permutation of the number 23, or a number related to the number 23. I don’t recocommend people to watch it because I don’t want people to be led by the movie and start to be paranoid by this number and also because of the obscene scenes in the movie, though I recommened it for people who watch movies, read books and watch people walking on the street around them to enable them stop and ponder, to think about their own lives and contemplate on life in gereneral. I watched the movie and I felt like past ghosts started to come from the dead again, I saw my self as if I was standing on a rooftop watching this ugly ungrateful person I am, I saw the black dots covering my heart, I saw myself so clearly that it hurt my eyes. The main characters are nothing like me and I didn’t pretend to be living the movie even for a second but it made me revist a forgotten person, a person I thought was long gone, someone I thought had vanished from existence and from my memory. But she was a live and she visited me yesterday with all her agony, evil, pride, and ungratefulness when the movie just ended and this verse hit my eye, its a verse from the bible, I know I'm a Muslim but the meaning of this verse is in many verses in the Qur'an and many stories narrated by Muslims and many Arabic proverbs, but I saw the verse yesterday and I felt like I know this meaning for the first time in my life, I felt it to the extent that I was shivering and I was so scared to see that ghost again to meet the Ellie I wanted to kill and hide long time ago. It hit my eyes and I couldn’t even blink and it kept ringing on my head all day and night, "be sure your sin will find you out." I went to my bed and tried to sleep but she came, gقabbed me from the nick and pushed me agaisnt the wall, she kept screaming, shouting and threatening me that she will revenge because I tried to send her away, that I tried to kill her. She laughed hystirically and told me "Do you think you got rid of me? Naaaa you werent even close to that, I fooled you, I let you belive that you are a good person but now I came back again and I'm so powerfull you wont stop me" I was so scared and I cried, I started to belive her and to feel my kness go weak, I was searching for air to breath but her grip on my throat was so strong, I struglled for my life but she kept squeezing harder and harder and I kept thinking, is she right? Did she win? But I thouhgt I'm better now, I thought that she is now dead and forgotten, I thought that she wont come back to take control over me. No there should be a way out, the sweet tears I shed for Him were not lies, the happiness that filled my heart when I used to put my head on the ground and talk to Him were not just movments, the feeling that He let me enter His house and He accepted me are not of my imagination, there must be away out. Yes I've sinned, but I don’t want my sins to hunt me forever and to keep on looking for me wherever I go, I know I'm a good person and I know that He will never torture me for sins I've repented from. Right at this moment, I saw a burning light and I started to feel the air entering my lungs again when a verse from the Qur'an hit my eyes,
(كتب ربكم على نفسه الرحمة إنه مَن عمل منكم سوءاً بجهالة ثم تاب من بعده وأصلح فإنه غفور رحيم) الأنعام 54
(Your Lord has written Mercy for Himself, so that, if any of you does evil in ignorance, and thereafter repents and does righteous good deeds (by obeying Allâh), then surely, He is Oft­-Forgiving, Most Merciful.) (Al-An'am: 54) yeah I repented, I tried to be a good person, I tried to do righteous things, I became a better person, I was screaming to my self and I felt my opponent's grip started to weaken, I saw her tremble when I yelled at her face with every drop of confidence in my body, "Allah accepted me, Allah accepted me you hear me? You are not going to play your dirty games on me again, for me you are dead, you only get stronger when I forget about you and unconsciously feed you with my negligence and with feelings that I'm good that way and I don’t need to improve. I wont let you win and you know what? even the new sins I committed they are going to be buried with you right here right now, you came here to ruin my life and now I'll make you perish forever with my old and new forgotten sins " I released my nick from her grip completely now and she started to retreat back, she started to turn pale and cover her ears so she wouldn’t hear my thunderous voice screaming and telling her "you are all going to die right here right now, you wont hunt me again coz my sins will be erased now and even for your envy they would turn into rewards inshaaAllah, now you are begging me to stop, believe me I wont and I wouldn’t even touch you, all I have to do now is to say simple words and mean them with all my heart" "Noooooooooo" she screamed begging me to stop and running to every corner of the room looking for a place to hide and started shaking when I started uttering these words, "O Allah, I repent now from every single sin I did in the past, small or big, done intentionally or unintentionally, sins people knew about and others were only I and You know about and sins I don’t know that I've committed but You do know, O Allah, I repent now from all of these and ask for your forgiveness and your guidance to help me be a better person and come back to You whenever I sin and repent again" The girl that came to visit me was sent to where she deserves to be and I stood on the room alone my heart beating with joy and my eyes glowing with tears and my lips crazily uttering "Alhamdulillah" as my legs walk to washroom so I can make wudu' and start a long-awaited-for conversation on my rug with Him.
- Silly InshaaAllah-accepted Ellie

Saturday, January 05, 2008

Thoughts of Meouw…ehm Mine ;)

Today was the third attempt from Ellie to force me into socializing with animals of my kind. Sorry I forgot to introduce my self, hey, my name is Polly and I'm 5 months old, I know that this blog belongs to Ellie but everyday I watch her set down on a chair in front of this box and starts typing some stuff and talking to you guys so I thought I really want to talk to you as well, she is in the other room right now so keep your voices down so she wouldn’t hear us shshshshhhh. Ellie is a nice girl but sometimes she does very silly and weird stuff, for example she would always sing me a stupid song and make me dance on the tone "Polly put the cattle on… Polly put the cattle on… we'll all have tea"… I just hate this song, cant she see that I don’t care if she is having tea or not, all I care about is meat:D Also when she holds me and starts to wave my hands towards this box she calls a screen to a guy and tell me "say hi to daddy" I guess his name is Daddy or maybe that's a name human beings call for people who torture little creatures like me by hanging them on the top of the balcony's door, he used to do that when he used to visit Ellie, but to tell you the truth the first time he did that I was very scared but afterwards I kinda liked it, I would do something wrong on purpose so that he would carry me up high and put me up there. I get really mad at her when she forces me to go out of home, first time she toke me down to the garden and I had the shock of my life there, I saw big green monsters she calls trees and I heard deafening sounds by monstrous metal creatures called cars, I was so scared that my knees were shaking. The second time she left me there by myself for two hours, under this big green thing called tree, it was soo cold and I was so scared and right before the night comes she showed up calling out my name, I didn’t go to her or reply I wanted to torture her by the thought that she lost me forever, but then again I felt that I miss her so much and when she carried me I felt safe and I was so happy to go home again. I know she is upset and she feels guilty because she thinks that because I stay so much with human beings I don't know that I'm a different creature and that I'm an animal, she thinks that its her fault because she didn’t let me go out when I was younger. If only I could talk I would tell her not to worry, I know exactly who I am and its soo obvious, four legs, white fur, and I'm human pet… of course I'm a Rabbit. Shhshhsh… I guess she is coming now, don’t tell her that I talked to you and don’t leave a comment so that she wouldn’t know. ok? - Silly Polly ;)