Sunday, November 15, 2009

I’ll Fight in a Different Way

Tuesday November 03, 2009- 11:30 PM

“ Please I want to go back, I want to be the person I was, I want to see the world with my old eyes, I can’t take it here anymore, this war is not mine to fight, can I just leave this battlefield?” she told him under her soft begging sobs.

Its been two years since she left her country, she thought back then that this is what every thing, a girl in her age, would wish for, married to someone she loves dearly and going to live with him in one of the biggest capitals in the world. She loves her country but she wanted to see the world, wanted to learn different things and meet different people even if it is for a while.

Now she feels so hurt, lost and her soul is dying, she thought to herself “ Now I ended up doing a job I hate because in this city it is a privilege to do what you like, sometimes people here do what they hate for the rest of their lives just to make ends meet. This is not how I want to live my life, I do a job that kills my soul, teaching for me is a boring, demanding job where I repeat information I already know to people who don’t care to learn.

I was also happy to participate in voluntary work in my local Masjid but I came to realise that this community is not ready for me yet, it is too young for what I expect them to be and they are rather threatened by my thoughts and ideas that’s why I believe some of the people from this community behave in a rather offensive manner because ‘you always fear what you don’t know’, so out of fear of me they hurt me. Also, coming from my mature community I know that I expected a lot from this immature and young community, which put me under a lot of pressure.

So for two years I gained nothing, I achieved nothing I obtained nothing but disappointments, frustrations and my spiritual life has been affected badly. I think what I need to do is to rearrange my priorities, not because I said yes to a certain commitment though I hate to do it, to carry on and do it and stay miserable”

The voice in her head keeps screaming louder and louder now, “ Let it go, leave and don’t feel guilty about anything, we make our tomorrow by the choices we make today, think of one thing you used to do that made you happy, do it again and maybe you’ll start to be the old person you were, and let go to all the new things that put you under pressure and doesn’t help you achieve your goals”

She discovered by letting go, she will be able to think clear, to do what she likes to do the most…. To write, about all things and everything, to connect back with her self, emotions and dreams.

He saw her eyes are glowing now though a minute ago it was sad and full of regret but as if someone lit a light in her soul, she is glowing, she seems hopeful as she held her eyes on his, smiled and said, “ Thank you for listening to me, I think I know my baby the answer to my question, I will not leave this battlefield, I’ll just fight in a different way.”

- Silly Ellie

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